How I moved from self-loathing into connection
BECOMING A BADASS FEELER!
The vast majority of people’s decisions are made from the ground of escaping uncomfortable feelings. This was the conclusion of a scientific study I came across some time ago.
These decisions may be personal, collective, or political - you name it; ultimately, they are all personal as people are the ones who make decisions based on their own set-points.
As a body-mind-soul kinda therapist who works with physical and energetic bodies, and helps people to release all the discomfort they hold, this just confirmed my own experience. When a tension/uncomfortable feeling untangles, and the energy can flow freely again, it can change the decisions one makes so profoundly that the effects can alter the course of one’s life in an insanely positive way.
So think about it, what would happen if we would not harvest and hoard those discomforts in us in the first place and would embark on a journey of releasing everything we have accumulated?
The door to changing your future is to become a badass feeler. It is FEELING instead of FLEEING.
There is a proverb here to back me up:
“We rise by the support of the same ground that trips us.” - When we allow ourselves to feel, we can access the moving life energy in our bodies and can choose to use it in a different way.
Some time ago, I saw a video of me being part of a panel discussion on education. The feeling that hit me while watching-not watching (it was tough, I hit cut quite early) was loathing. And that hadn’t happened to me for a long, long time. After all, I had been actively working on and shifting into loving myself for several years. But! I was ready to dive deeper.
There was the layer of how I looked - yes. And then there was the layer of how I spoke. And then there was the layer of energy. And the last one was the hardest to digest. I think I’ve never before literally seen myself from aside in such an intense fight or flight mode, in such undercover anger, intensity and with an apparent unhealed wound, speaking in public. It was, well, ugly. In my eyes. Intense. And seeing that almost gave me a panic attack. I froze. I felt tears gathering but not dropping; my whole body screamed in utter despair and overwhelming discomfort. The image of “me” I had conjured in my head was shattering.
But I had no time to process it. I had to pack and go, drive from one city to another. So I did. And during that drive, I started to give myself this needed time to process, to really see the person I saw - to understand. I was obviously fighting in this video. And I was obviously fleeing - my own wound, my own hurt and discomfort. That’s all that a fighting person is: someone who refuses to stop and go in, to release the trauma, the discomfort, and the anger; someone fleeing her own feelings, her energy, purpose and power and putting on a show for the bystanders. And while I was realising that about myself, I started to shed the fake skin. I began to let go of the fight. I was feeling in - not fleeing anymore. I began to integrate gentleness, softness… I started to let go of my own wound, let go of the “cause”.
The way out of Fight and Flight is CONNECTION. When we intend to connect instead of fighting or fleeing, we create a whole different atmosphere. A different vibration, a different conversation, a different life.
And had I escaped the loathing and discomfort that surfaced in me, had I shoved it aside or taken my attention elsewhere - I would not have gotten to connection. I would not have shifted and changed; I would still be attached to the fight and flight in similarly triggering situations. But since I decided to be the Badass Feeler, a new place opened up for me - I get to live and think from a different place inside me: integrating a different set-point into my life, interactions and relationships. Step by step, but in a profound, felt and authentic way.
I remembered my Tandava/Tantra teacher telling me once to allow myself to breathe out, fully. At the time, I didn’t understand him, as I didn’t feel myself holding on. After all, 20 years of breathwork and all that jazz. But I’ve always considered myself a slow learner, so only a little less than a year later, driving in my car late at night, I finally allowed myself to fully exhale and let go. To let go of the control, the abandonment, the fight and the flight. And made a decision to CONNECT instead.
Hi! I’m IIDALA aka Iida-Leena Materasu ,and I’m a professional therapist, writer, spiritual mentor, mother, woman, and human being, who has walked the path of healing for more than 20 years. I facilitate breathwork and nondual healing groups, offer courses, subscription programs, and silent nature hikes as well as receive clients one-on-one live and via zoom. To book a session or get more info on NONDUAL courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact me directly.