Filling the happiness cup? I don't have this kind of cup. I'm an ocean who confuses herself with a raindrop once in a while.
When we perceive that the problem is in (and about) the child, we will create ourselves a problematic child.
This is an essential difference in perception. It’s extremely important to understand. When we change just this “small” thing: our point of perception and focus, everything starts to change around us.
First of all, I’m so good at this. I know the different masks of my child and as soon as I see that he has put one of them on and refuses to be “himself”, I almost automatically start the “I have to solve my kid” program in myself. It means that I start to go through all kinds of methods and non-methods and control patterns and new and old ways and in the end, I still meet the wall. I dash around all day like a madwoman to fill my child’s “happiness cup” and bring him back to balance, just to lay in my bed in the evening and acknowledge that…all that was needed was actually a change in my focus. From my child onto myself. And with this, I failed. Again. Cause this knowledge in our awareness tends to be out of reach when we feel guilty. And I feel so totally guilty when my child starts to play around with a mask. But in the evening, laying in my bed, I’m the expanded consciousness again, the big bird who rises above the endless labyrinth and sees the bigger picture.
And then...when I remember...then I already know. I know what and how and when to do. Then I will follow my body again. In a practical and direct way, without questioning my guidance. We are searching for a connection. Both of us, me and my kid. But the connection is only possible when we are first connected to ourselves, to our own body. We can not connect by looking at the separation and trying to mend it with some glue and rope. Or judge..like “why can’t he just be different?” No. Let’s leave the kids in peace. At let’s allow the peace to take care of them. And let’s create this peace in ourselves.
It is a very widespread myth, that parents are here to fill their kid's “happiness cup”. This metaphor is thrown out here and there and maybe it makes sense to you. I happened to part ways with it. It’s impossible to fill the cup of ego’s endless wishes. It’s a bottomless hole that takes my child and me further and further from our True Happiness. It leaves the parent in the place of anger…the parent gets angry: “I’m doing EVERYTHING for you! Why are you still so whiny???” Children are not looking for filled cups. They are looking for a connection. And connection is built through…
1. Something happens. The child pulls on a mask or jumps on an emotional train or…
2. Pause.
3. The only solution is to bring attention to your own body. To relax, to breathe, and to ask your body what to do. To connect to yourself in the most practical way possible.
4. Pause.
5. If you succeed in that, the connection is established. When the connection with the Self is established and when it’s conscious, it starts to spread.
6. Pause.
7. The Body will tell you what to do, what to say and how. Peace and connection in us allow the child to also move into the peace and connection in him. If he so chooses.
8. Pause.
9. Allow time. Do not start to expect anything. And still…do not take the focus on the child or the perceived problem, but keep it on yourself, on your body, on relaxation and allowing.
10. Allow time to yourself too and come back to yourself as much and as often as necessary, so it would stick for longer periods with ease.
It is not “filling your own happiness cup”. Cause you are not a cup and you do not have a cup. You are more like an…ocean. But an ocean does not need filling. You can, although, sometimes perceive yourself as a raindrop that falls into the ocean and becomes one with it. It is possible to connect and become one with the ocean. And being aware in the oceanness, we allow the child to connect to that ocean in himself too. With that limitless Self, creativity, endless ideas, and ever-expanding love.
And it serves to remember that the same way that you came into this world to learn to move between different states and ways of being and how to reconnect with the ocean again and again then…so did your child. Let’s allow all the states of being he chooses to experience and let’s bring the attention home. So he too, could one day become the phoenix who knows how to use the love and light to burn through all of the illusion in himself instead of trying to fix others.
Hi! I’m IIDALA, aka Iida-Leena Materasu, and I’m a professional therapist, writer, spiritual guide, mother, woman, and human being, who has walked the path of healing for more than 20 years. I facilitate breathwork and nondual healing groups, offer courses, subscription programs, and silent nature hikes as well as receive clients one-on-one live and via zoom. To book a session or get more info on NONDUAL courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact me directly.
Dear One, feel free to send me a letter and connect! I’d love to hear what you think, and if you have any questions!