It’s not about me: how to trust my children to make wise choices?
I’ve been really in tune with my kids this week, and I’ve had time to contemplate and observe the way they operate. One of the mistakes that is easy to make as a parent is to overrate your own role and place in their lives. This inevitably leads to control, barriers in communication, held-back love and resentment. All the things we don’t want! I have a little something for you here that may help you to trust a little more and find a better way to go about it.
One of the reasons why I’ve chosen to follow the road of self-led education (unschooling/democratic education) with my kids is actually deeply connected to my spiritual knowing and path. It is my experience with the Personal Guidance System. We all have internal antennas (or call it body sense or intuition), and we are connected to the guidance of our Greater Self, the Universe, the God…and Mother Earth, the Matter, the Physical. This all works together for our benefit and the benefit of everyone else. It is the same force that makes the world go round. Literally.
This guidance has proved itself in time to be smarter and wiser than my logical mind. It builds networks of synchronicities and provides me with more than I could have ever asked for. It closes the unnecessary doors and opens the ones that are needed. And when my mind is not wiser than my own guidance, then how could my mind ever be wiser than someone else’s Guidance System regarding his path and life?
Yesterday, I witnessed my boys (4 and 8) taking out a chess board from one of the boxes we brought with us to our temporary Irish home.
(For all the new ones here: me/the boys/and their father are in the middle of relocating from Estonia to Ireland. And also: In insta, in my books and in those newsletters, I call my boys Rice(8) and Cashew(4). Not their real names, but very close to their real nicknames.)
Back to the chessboard. The pieces were packed separately, so they just found the board. They decided to play checkers but didn’t have the pieces for that either. So they went and took Swiss coins (leftover change from a trip 5 years ago…) and played with those. One had all the coins turned tails up, and the other had heads-up ones. I was in awe. For a 4 and 8 yo, this seemed like an ingenious solution. Exactly the kind of problem-solving and creative thinking we need in this world. My mind would never have thought of that.
This morning I overheard them playing yet another game in another room. Rice, the 8yo, was teaching this one to Cashew and mentioned in passing that the game was taught to him by their grandmother. Later he taught this to me and then to his father, and even though for the first 3 times, I won him by far, he learned from his mistakes, and it’s a real challenge to beat him now. He knows what he is drawn to, what interests him and what is the best way for him to learn, and there is no mistake in his knowing - the whole world, other people and places and circumstances totally out of my influence and control are here to support him!
He is in the zone: the zone of chessboard games. It is mostly balanced with outings and football and reading. Lots of reading.
I was recently a guest in a podcast about unschooling: myths and fears, and I was asked if teaching my children all on my own isn’t too hard? How come I have the confidence to know it all and pass it on? And skipping all the obvious answers like “I’m not doing it on my own” and “We don’t follow a curriculum or play school at home” or “I’m just a facilitator and support person” - I find it fascinating how people think that the kids’ path and learning is all about the parent and depends on their actions or shortcomings. It is seen as a weight on the shoulders, not a naturally unfolding co-creative journey that it is.
And it’s HIS journey. HIS interests. HIS initiatives. HIS challenges. HIS guidance and HIS life.
The only thing that I can truly offer him is providing the kind of atmosphere where it’s easy and natural for him to listen to his guidance and follow his interests. And this atmosphere is not so much an outer thing (books, sports equipment and opportunities are important but secondary), but it starts from a very simple question: how am I feeling today? Because an atmosphere for a kid is created by the way the grownups around him FEEL.
“How am I feeling? What’s going on? What kind of support do I need? What is it that I truly want?” are the questions that connect ME to my own guidance. The way I feel and transform my own inner states and emotions creates the vibrational atmosphere for the day. When I find my own passion, safety, stability, pleasure and joy - it will envelop my kids like a warm blanket. They can relax and access their full resources. And we can all just have a great day full of dancing dynamics, communication, learning, creativity and space for everyone to simply breathe and be themselves.
Hi! I’m IIDALA aka Iida-Leena Materasu ,and I’m a professional therapist, writer, spiritual mentor, mother, woman, and human being, who has walked the path of healing for more than 20 years. I facilitate breathwork and nondual healing groups, offer courses, subscription programs, and silent nature hikes as well as receive clients one-on-one live and via zoom. To book a session or get more info on NONDUAL courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact me directly.