I’m a submarine. Come with me. (A little bit about anxiety)
The root cause of my anxiety is spending too much time in the dream world. No, nothing to do with sleeping. It’s about the call of the deep ocean. When you flicker around in the surface layer of Ocean of Life for too long, the call will cause all kinds of turmoil in your experience. For me, it all boils down to anxiety. An abstract one. But not really. When I look into it, it is fed by all kinds of fears: fear of failure, fear of feeling shame, fear of disconnection, fear of abandonment, fear of being useless and not noticed. All those fears are an attack on myself and a clear sign that the dream world, while seeming all marshmallows and sugar-pops at first, is turning dark and evil on me. Like a dream that starts off good, but then slowly turns into a nightmare and you run around in half-panic, trying to find a way out and meeting only dead ends. Until you stop. And wake up.
Waking up is the way out. I don’t like this metaphor, it’s been overused and abused in so many ways in the nowadays society: it’s been repeated and repeated by people who are themselves fast asleep still, blinded by their more or less spiritual egos and thrown towards other people as an attack: wake up! wake up! A delusional call from fearful sleepers. But maybe if you tell yourself (thinking that you are speaking to others) this enough times, it will work? You will find empathy and freedom, the core understanding feeling of peace? I’ve met people, truly embodying the Reality, they have never, ever, used these words: wake up! They don’t demand, they don’t fight, they don’t tell you what to do. They simply smile, point to the sunset, or the river and smile, or hug you, or look you in your eyes and listen, truly listen. Without an agenda to “wake you up” or any other agenda. Without judgements or frames or mind-games, without the polarity. They simply listen, in non-duality.
This is a space I call home. The non-dual space in me. This is the non-anxiety space. This is the space I work from, create from, receive from, and communicate from. And live from. When I do. But I don’t always do that. I’m still a human with stuff to heal in my body and I get distracted and illusioned. Just a few years ago, I didn’t have anxiety. I didn’t even know what it means. The more I’ve spent time in the non-dual space, the stronger the call and bigger the turmoil whenever I’m not there. I get off-track and my real purpose is pulling me back, trying to get my attention by spinning me around and stirring stuff up in me.
Sometimes it feels essential to surround myself with people, who sense the deep ocean and understand the deep ocean, who don’t spend their time and communications on the surface level of nitty-gritty-fighty-flighty. To communicate on all levels, to feel received on all dimensions, is… soul-feedingly-amazing. It’s good. The animals are all there. Or at least mine are. I’ve not met all the animals in the world, and I think that it is possible, that when an animal lives only in the concrete world and among surface-level-operating people, he might also lose some of its original connection and get too distracted by pleasing or survival.
The submarines go deeper when they sense the storm. They submerge. There are no storms in the deep ocean. When you spend too much time in the whirlpool of your surface thoughts, you get confused. Or at least I do. And going deeper, sensing deeper, living deeper, feels like heaven on earth in comparison. It feels better. Because it is heaven on earth. The only kind. The source of all Life. Aligned. One can only be aligned when one is connected through ALL the levels. Through deepness and through the surface flicker. This way, the surface flicker will be meaningful, alive, fresh, and playful!
So. This way I know. My anxiety is asking me to submerge. To go deeper, so the storm can pass and I can align myself towards the sun. To be everything. To bring the peace up and weave it into playfulness. So the big waves can come, and they would feel nothing but play. Play rooted in peace. And I would be able to surf and swim and enjoy, deeply connected to the deep ocean, without getting lost or distracted, washed away into the dream world again.
There is one fear that I don’t have anymore. I’m not afraid of my anxiety. I’m not afraid to be lost. I’m not afraid to be a wreck. You know why? Cause dreams do not exist. And I’m a submarine.
Hi! I’m IIDALA, aka Iida-Leena Materasu, and I’m a professional therapist, writer, spiritual guide, mother, woman, and human being, who has walked the path of healing for more than 20 years. I facilitate breathwork and nondual healing groups, offer courses, subscription programs, and silent nature hikes as well as receive clients one-on-one live and via zoom. To book a session or get more info on NONDUAL courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact me directly.