The weight of building your life
While I come to write this, a lot of people are relocating in the western world - the women and children of Ukraine are fleeing the war. It is said that what stands before them now is the heavy work of "building your life" elsewhere. In fact, some Ukrainians have expressed that this is precisely one of the reasons why they don't leave but rather risk death - they do not want to start all over again in another country. It's very human: holding on the what we know. In human terms, they should have this right.
I have been fortunate enough to make my own life decisions in peace. Mostly. So it's not my place to say what people under such enormous stress should or should not think, do or say, or what they choose as a coping mechanism. I think they are doing great and doing their best, no matter what. So I'm rather addressing the bystanders here, and I recognise that there is a more supportive perspective we can take on life than taking on the weight that we have to "build it up" or placing this weight unknowingly on someone else's shoulders.
Whether we like it or not, life doesn't always go as planned. Be it "external circumstances "like war or a natural catastrophe, or "internal circumstances" like an inner knowing or a calling or a need for change, or even falling into depression - once in a while, life asks us to step away from all of our attachments, and all of our identities. It reminds us that our life is an unexpected journey, and therefore it is not something that can be "built" or "demolished". Concepts, yes. Attachments, yes. Physical objects, yes. But one can't build or demolish the Life itself. It is beyond reach.
At first, I thought "building my life" to be a foreign concept… a bit far from my own system. I mean, I have voluntarily changed schools, jobs, towns and countries way more than once in my life. Every change has always moved me forward and brought me something of great value. Sometimes it's happened due to the "outer circumstances", but more often, thankfully, it has simply been an inner calling and willingness to move forward on all levels.
But then, while I'm currently also in the midst of a significant life change: selling our self-renovated farmhouse and 20ha of land, a place where my eldest has spent the first 7 years of his life and my youngest his first 3… and we are possibly also, moving to another country, I've heard this question from the bystanders: "Oh wow, moving to another country….what about your job? You would have to start building your client base from zero again…" At first, I simply nodded and thought "well, yes, I guess I do", but then it hit me. I had subconsciously taken on a heaviness of "building my life from scratch", and it started to produce all kinds of fears in me. The dual world that relies on success and failure was creeping in on me.
As this particular fear is like a foreign object in my system, not innately very "me", I was able to catch on to it fairly quickly. When you don't eat meat and open your fridge and find sausage there, you will notice it! It sticks out. I've never thought about life, home, or business in terms of "I have to build it up". But now, I had somehow taken it on in a very smooth and unnoticeable way. Usually, I simply think about living and discovering. When you go on a nature trail, you don't feel that "I have to build my hike". No. That would be absurd. You simply walk and discover, see what nature has to show you on this particular day, and take in all there is and let go of all there isn't.
This is exactly how I like to live my life: without the heavy burden of expectations. It is the only life available to me, actually. As soon as I start thinking about concepts or pushing something to happen, life seems to hit the brakes on me. And as soon as I come back to simply living in presence, all kinds of doors start opening up, ideas pop into my head, and life seems to take care of itself; it builds itself while I just get to live it.
So, no matter where you are, what you are doing or what you are trying to achieve. I'd love to remind you that it's not your job to "build up your life". We can let go of that heaviness.
We can simply live, trust and take action when guidance comes.
It is the art of connecting to Life, your environment, and your body intimately and directly. All else is secondary.
Hi! I’m IIDALA, aka Iida-Leena Materasu, and I’m a professional therapist, writer, spiritual guide, mother, woman, and human being, who has walked the path of healing for more than 20 years. I facilitate breathwork and nondual healing groups, offer courses, subscription programs, and silent nature hikes as well as receive clients one-on-one live and via zoom. To book a session or get more info on NONDUAL courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact me directly.